Leanne on Saturday| Women have been trained to ‘hold onto your man’ ‘he will come around’ for far too long it’s time for us to tell each other some truths as well as give each other sound and practical advice. I think experience is the best teacher, we learn from what the past has shown us and from that, we get wisdom for the future.
Because of the toxic advice that we have been – and still are – getting, we stay in loveless relationships until they become abusive. Well sometimes people fall out of love and that’s okay if he falls out of love with you, you can’t blame yourself for his failing to see a good thing for what it is. I think a heartbreak is okay too – to feel pain, where it has been inflicted, paves the way for a wound to heal.
However, when one realizes that a relationship is no longer standing on the pillars on which it was built – love, trust, honesty and healthy compromise – if it was in the first place built on that, then it’s time to jump ship. It’s better to deal with the pain of rejection on your own than to deal with it inside a toxic relationship.
However, we have to distinguish abuse and someone who has just fallen out of love. Sometimes as women we are taught to conflate the two. Some partners will fall out of love and not abuse you and that’s a normal cycle of love – people fall in and out of love. Of course, that cycle is painful but obviously accepting something for what it is will save us from half the pain of a breakup.
Women are most of the time encouraged to prolong their stay in a relationship which has broken down because they have to be in some sort of relationship in order to be respected particularly in the case of heterosexual relationships.
A woman who is single and approaching her forties is likely to be labelled ‘desperate’ while a man is more likely to be called a hot bachelor still on the market.
This shaming and labeling of women with derogatory names put middle-aged women under pressure to hold onto relationships or marriages which have broken down. The other thing that makes women stay in unhealthy relationships is the lack of self-esteem.
“Their lack of self-esteem causes them to ‘settle’. Nothing erodes self-esteem quicker than an unhealthy relationship. Many women remain in dysfunctional marriages because they are convinced that this is all they deserve. When bad things happen, they simply grit their teeth and tell themselves that they should be grateful for what they have,” Allison Pescosolido MA and Andra Brosh PhD, founders of Divorce Detox
Alison and Andra also add, “Divorce seems worse than the bad marriage. When women get to this point their thinking has really gone askew. Irrational fears and negative future fantasies can distort a woman’s perceptions keeping her stuck in an unhealthy marriage. Using rationalization and denial, women convince themselves that their situation isn’t really “that bad” and end up staying too long.”
Marriage can be one of the most beautiful things if it satisfies its purpose or the purpose that two people established it for. But, it’s not a status accessory which women must have to escape being judged or must stay in to preserve a status expected of them by other people. You can still be fine by yourself, happy and single than married and miserable.