God, how did I get here? Why are we here? Are these the plan you a have for me?But God I am jobless, pregnant, I have a 3-year-old. Why God? Why me? Why now? Why him? These are all the questions I kept asking God as I cried the loudest cry I have ever heard world over. I could not believe my young hubby was gone – I was a young widow at 29.
When you lose someone very close to you or let me say when I lost my husband I lost my mind (for a while maybe 24 hours, I was a zombie). I could only recognize a few people and when people talked to me, I could not hear what they were saying but I could see the eye contact and lips moving. I kept looking at the door looking forward that he would come back home. But days passed, months, he did not come back, he was dead, he was gone. I was a widow, waaat, saaay what, YES a widow, actually, a young widow to be precise.
Just to take you back a bit to the life I was living (nothing fancy). I was living the dream (of any girl) – nice apartment, quiet suburb, A to B car, handsome kid, and a young, ambitious, successful and handsome hubby to match (my beauty). I was a young SAHM, businesswoman the Pro31 kinda woman. We had a comfortable, lovely and happy life. My husband was very hands-on with the baby than I was, when I started school I would be gone the whole day and he would be OK and would never complain. Don’t get me wrong our life was not perfect I am not trying to paint a colorful picture here, we had our water and oil moments, but why dwell on the dull moments when you have good memories. When you lose someone you hardly think about the downside, no matter how much you try and make up the picture of “that fight” it will never be clear, but when you think about all the good times it always appears in HD in your mind. My husband was my provider, my protector, my helper, my teacher, my friend, my mobile ATM, my partner. God, how did I get here? I am a widow, a young widow.
FFWD to July 2014 after being married for 3 years 7 months, say what, 3 years I was a widow? No! No, it can’t be me. I am beautiful, I am a Christian, I am educated, I am living my dream, we are living a life that we spent so many dinner dates and pillow-talks planning. In a flash, yes (I say a flash because that is how it felt and still feels) it was gone, he was gone, all crumbled. Like really God how was I supposed to live, like seriously? Friday 11th July my work contract expired(no renewal), that means I was jobless, to top it up I was 6 months pregnant with my second baby, Saturday he is gone(forever). See what I mean, how did I get here? How am I supposed to live? What was I supposed to tell my son (they were very close)? For a long time even many months after his death I would engage in conversations, talk about myself, (or my story) like I was talking about someone. I was in disbelief. It was very unreal to me. It cannot be me, God how did I get here, I did not sign up for this. For a long time I was surviving – there is a difference between surviving and living, I had no reason to live, my helper took care of the kids, I ate when only I had a “gun” on my head. I could not make sense of his death I could not make sense of life nothing made sense at all.
My husband passed away in July, my son was born in October, he was born with severe eczema that he would swell and get red. At 6 weeks he got an injection he got better, a few weeks later I went back for his check-up, paed told me, my son is not thriving (I was trying my best to feed the lil champ). I was put on anti-depressants, yes had DEPRESSION :-(, I took the tablets for a few days flashed them down the drain. I chose professional counseling instead of tablets. Counselling helped me to a certain extent, I had church counseling, and professional counseling to help me deal with loss, depression, single parenting, joblessness. (this paragraph is a blog for another day)
For a very long time, I have not disclosed or just put it out there that I am a widow for a number of reasons like:
- Pity Parties – the moment you say you are a widow or you want to keep a memory alive (on social media), bible verses, virtual hugs, donations etc come flocking. I do not blame people they want to reach out, it’s human nature but damn it drags you down you start feeling sorry for yourself again.
- Vulnerability, losing my husband – I lost my physical protector(we live in cruel world)
- People look at you in a different way, to some women you are a threat, to some men you are prey
- Telling the storyeveryday– How did happen, how do you survive, are you dating,bla bla bla
- The moment you say “I am a widow you get – “you don’t look like a widow”, like seriously how is a widow supposed to look, it’s highly offensive
- I just used to hate the widow tag but it is what is it.
I have decided to “come out” because I am now confident (to an extent), I am at another stage of grief, maybe acceptance but these stages are always back and forth back and forth. I am embracing who I am, this is me it will not change. I want to reach out to “new” widows, and all those who are grieving, I have walked down the road I know how it feels. Not that I have experience but one on one I can be able to tell intimate details of my journey(which I left out). Grief is not an easy road, I got help on my journey why not help someone. TIME IS NOT A HEALER!!! You learn to live with your pain, smile in that pain, cry again. I truly miss that monkey you know, but God is God we don’t question. When you lose someone you love life goes on – it does not mean you have to forget about them but move forward (for me it was seeking to counsel), you don’t stay in one place(mourning) suicidal thoughts and other foolish thoughts will haunt you.
After asking God all those questions because I was angry with him, and after my counseling sessions and speaking to other people who had walked down that road I learned a few lessons.
- Ecclesiastes 3 vs 1 – 8
There is a time for everything, there is a time to be born and a time to die
2. 2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, – we are here on earth to run different races, when you have finished your race you will leave this place called earth. My Esau was a great strategic planner, had great financial discipline, a harder worker. I believe in the 3 years were married he was sent to teach me all that. I am sure in other people’s lives he had other missions.
3. Psalms 46:10
Be still and know that I am God – If he brought you to it he will bring you through it. He knew I was jobless and pregnant but he took my husband, my breadwinner. Through this, I always say I have seen God’s love in HD. I have seen his love for me and my kids, he has provided for us even when even I was not working. At one point we used to eat porridge all day because that’s all we had. We are grateful for that porridge because it required sugar, water, and mealie-meal, during that same phase our fridge just had water only, but look at us we remained still in him. We do not have everything but have him and we are happy. Friends and family came through because we remained still, we stopped asking the questions because he is an omni-God.
4. Matthew 6 vs 25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear – this bible verse relates to number 3.
5. Jeremiah 29 vs 11
The Lord would never harm me.
On a lighter note I never got to use the word bae *screams* or even #baegoals by then it was not popular. I used to be a cry baby*never cried in-front of my kids though*, so to stop myself from crying I started wearing make-up. Tjo makeup is expensive I can’t afford to waste my mascara.
Thank you for taking time to read hints of my journey, it’s not an easy one but the Lord holds our hand daily and we are cruising in his grace. Share with someone who might think they are alone in this journey. Feel free to contact me if you need to chat privately firstname.lastname@example.org
Peace, Love, and Kindness
Washe (P.S This is a name I gave myself when I was overwhelmed with his love) -so my full name is pronounced Dianawashe – meaning I belong to God (direct translation)
Ok, now I’m going for real *insert running man emoji here*
*Dianawashe’s story originally appeared on her website: http://www.parentinginheels.co.za/